What is sincerity?

When someone stands by you, through thick and thin

When a friend forgives you after getting angry

When you say sorry, without adding other stuff that will hurt

When you give time to be a listening ear, even though you are not free

When you are always the first to take out your wallet to pay for a meal

When a stranger gives a helping hand

When you say ‘i love you’ without feeling awkward

When someone cries with you

When kindness is remembered

The silence is over

I made a bold step in venturing out of my comfort zone. Job security vs job satisfaction. I have come to accept that everywhere you go, you will get the same shit. So i rather get paid better to eat shit than to be paid peanuts to eat shit. After being paid better, i will even say that the shit taste like abalones.

Making that bold step was like a dive out in the sea. With limited oxygen in my oxygen tank and my diving gear. I found a very prosperous fishing island that earns a hefty amount from the things they catch. But their wealth comes with a price. They catch extinct dolphins and sea turtles and sell them to wealthy pet owners who collects them. I could not stomach their money making ways. So i decided to venture out again.

With oxygen refilled in my tank, i hopped around from shore to shore for brief rest. To rejuvenate. And hoping that in the process, find a nice place to rest.

Later i got tired and went back out on the sea to swim. Swim to find a good place to settle down.

After swimming for a long time, i find only more open seas. It was upsetting.

It seems like i would never be able to survive with the little oxygen that i have.

Eventually i saw some fishing boats that were clustered around the shore of an island. The fishermen told me that their island is flourished with milk and honey. They earn a comfortable amount from their catch out at sea. And that their main concern is the welfare of the people.

If i wanted to join them, i had to learn their trade and also the way they live. I agreed and went through 2 weeks of testings.

After 2 weeks, the island’s leaders will have a meeting to decide if they will accept me into their island.

The waiting was only a few days but it seemed long

I comtemplated to swim out sea again to find another place.

Soon enough, i got the answer that i will be their new island member.

When the night is long

I lay on my bed trying my best to sleep. It would be my first day of work tomorrow. And i gotta be there by 9am.

Its funny how i can find it difficult to sleep in my own home. And find such ease sleeping at another.

Every shadow in the room becomes prominent. Every sound magnifies with every hour i stay awake.

The rattle of the calender against the wall. The smacking of the bookmark i placed on the cupboard handle.

My bed seems so hard. My pillow like soiled sponge. The bolster felt like paper between my legs. The blanket too thick for my liking. The fan too loud.

Suddenly i feel more alone than ever. I let my mind wander to thoughts that will only keep me more awake.

This is the part i really dislike about ‘getting over’.

This part that will make people feel that one hour is like 7 hours.

I think about the things that has past. especially the bad parts. Dwell on the fantasy that if i could go back in time and change things, how it may have been now.

I think about my vague future. Praying for better days ahead. I imagine a good family. Nice house. Even children.

Somehow in the middle of thinking. Its the nice stuff that puts me to sleep.

When it all became clear

You spend life chasing for the latest gagets. The most fashionable clothes. Hang out with the coolest friends. And go to the most exciting place at the right occasions.

On 4/3/07, i realised that all these are not important anymore. The latest gadgets wont help me in all the situations i face. My fashionable clothes wont make be smile when i am hurt. My coolest friends wont cry with me when i am sad. The most exciting places wont be right for me to feel comforted.

When i mourn for the death of a loved one, nothing could take away the stab in my heart. The only healer is time. I began to reflect on how other people handle their hurts.

One would embrace new friendships, another would get a new tattoo, some drown themselves with alcohol, seeking revenge was also a suggession, play the blaming game and looking towards religion.

What is right? What is wrong?

All of the methods still will make you feel empty inside. Unfulfilled.

I find my comfort in my loved one. He cried with me. I thank God for someone to share my pain.

I find my sanity in Jesus. Who went through via dolorosa.

I fill my emptiness with Purpose. Not just the name Butt which means Purpose in french. I lost Butt my dog. Who would help bring me purpose in life. His death is a reminder that a life of purpose is sweet.

I will not lead a life without true purpose. The restorative fullfilled purpose in given by my Father in Heaven.