A home is a sanctuary

I have met many guys who were abusive with their words and cheat everything out of you. Their words don’t carry any weight. It adds on to the insecurity i have when what they turns out to be lies.

I used to like what i see and not whats inside of a man. I was superficial. I ended off relationships over things that are not important. Like a veggie in the teeth, too goofy, not good looking enough, and bad dressing sense.

I used to like a guy for the way they walk, the way they talk and the way they know how to say sweet words.

I got to know my soul mate. He does not know how to say sweet words. But he does not abuse me with his words. He is not the best looking guy in the world. But he thinks i am the most best looking person in the world, even when i have veggie in my teeth. We were like poles apart.

He likes to sleep early, i like to sleep late. He loves things proper, i love things that are not fixed. I love to eat good food, he thinks eating is just to fill the stomach. He eats chicken without the skin and i will eat the skin. He loves to keep fit, i love to laze around and read a book. His definition of reading something is the magazine.

He likes thing neat, i like things neat. He washes the dishes, i wash the dishes. he wash the clothes and i fold the clothes. When i am sad, he knows it. Before i say anything sometimes, he speak whats in my mind. He does not try to solve my problem when i share them. He remembers what i tell him. He tries his best to do what i like. He is my best friend. We have no secrets.

One day, i remembered of my desire of going overseas to do some humanitarian work. He used to object to it strongly. When i brought the matter up again. He said, put his name in the emergency contact list. Cos if anything happens to me, he will want to take care of me for the rest of his life.

I am also having hair loss problem because i used Dove shampoo that is not suitable for all hair types. Some pp will get allergic reactions to it. I tried to ignore it cos my family has thick hair, and i did not want to face the reality that i am balding. My hair will itch and lots will hair will come off when i comb. He forced me to use another shampoo and bought me another. I wanted to save money and used Dove till it finished and used the new one. When he knew about it, i got a scolding.

Yesterday, my scalp itched very badly and i went to the salon to have it washed. The hairdresser says its a common hair problem that needs treatment. Each $45. preferably to do it once every 2 weeks. The red spots on my scalp are the rash caused by allergy to chemicals.

I told him about it and he asked how often i need to do it? i said once a mth cos i cant afford once every 2 weeks. He said he will pay for every alternate treatment and asked me to buy the shampoo that the salon offers and he will pay for it too. He says he wants me to have nice hair.

Sometimes despite all his boringness and rigidity, he can really say the sweetest things

I cant earn a living with kindness

while finding for a permanent job, i looked after Mdm Mok who was suffering from renal failure. Had to undergo dialysis. I received the case from the staff from the ward. From their detailed handover, i prepared myself for a difficult task ahead. They were not easy to handle.

After few weeks of heart to heart talk with Mdm Mok and husband, i was more aware of how they grew to be skeptical of the health professions. Information given were usually inconsistent. Dr’s try to rush through Pt’s so that they can go home on time. The impression given to the public is that health care is unfeeling, with lousy standards.

Having worked from a ward, i am aware of the many times i handled difficult patients and their relatives. We have firstly no time to find out more about patients. And are tied down by our textbooks and fixed mindset over certain conditions. e.g. if a patient does not want to seek treatment, he must be stubborn

I was so angry with the Dr from a certain major hospital. She was trying to push the patient off her responsibility. I was telling her that the dialysis center do not have their own Dr and the Dr’s from hospitals would only come once a mth in a form of voluntarism. She was obviously in a hurry to finish this pt. She brushed off my comments and says that she is very sure the dialysis center has their own Dr.

I refused to let the matter rest till she Gets it. I called the dialysis center and they confirmed that if a patient does not have any Dr in-charge, when something happens, they would have no one to ask when something happens.

I repeated myself to this Dr and she asked the nurse to change the follow up to 2 mths instead of 6 mths. Later i found out that she forgot to ink up 3 medication for the pt. With my expertise, i managed to get the medicine without going back to that hospital. Imagine what would happen when this pt don’t have a nurse helping them? they would just go home not knowing somethings missing.

Is this the health care that our country is giving to our own people? Is lousy health care for the poor or when you are poor, you get lousy health care?

I begin to look in the eyes of the consumer. There are many health care workers that go about the motions without looking up. Pts think that Dr’s are gods that cannot be defied. Pts go dunno their rights just tolerate with lousy Drs and nurses, because they think they have no other choice.

But however empathizing i am for them, my fees were too costly for them. My working hours were cut short to less than a mth’s salary. Do i stay on because i care for them or do i let them go? I care for them but i cant earn myself a living by earning half a mth’s salary when working for them.

I work my best when its my job. I will go the extra mile. I will open my ears wide to hear them share their stories like its was the first time. I will not brush them off when they ventilate. But my kindness is limited by boundaries. A health care-patient relationship usually don’t continue out of work.

If only i can get a salary out of being kind. But i cant earn a living with kindness.

The cycle of life

I just came back from a secondary school class gathering. Some things dont change and some things are’nt quiet the same. Besides the updates on our jobs, boyfriends, married life and whose given birth….everyone’s pretty much the same.

Some got married and then got divorced. Some got married. One gave birth to a baby boy. Who got out from a bad relatipnship. And who is getting married soon. who has a dog and who lives like a Tai Tai.

Our secondary school teacher Miss Gan was also there. She thinks we all still keep in contact. But its actually like we catch up on lost times, like time never left us.

What is this unspoken bond that we have? We call ourselves Sec 1I. I still refused to admit that age is catching up on me. And that one day, i will come to another class gathering, and talk about how marriage life is, or even when i am going to give birth.

…13 years we have gone out of PL and each have their own collective life experiences. Some groups closer than others. And often with our busy schedules, our only update is Friendster

When safe becomes a dead end

After 2 mths of being an orphan again, i found someone that would take me in. Although the house was not too big, but my parents appears to be earning enough to support me. I was given alot of freedom to express myself. I felt somehow i was mingling well with my new sister. She would boast alot about the expensive stuff she has and the important people she meets. I find it wierd that someone would have so much to talk about money and status.

I tried to appear interested in what she says. But sometimes i feel like strangling her. She comes back from school and would tell parents how well she did and that all the teacher said she was a very good student.

I went to school with her and know just how well she did. She would often forget to do her homework and get me to do for her. For exams, she barely passed. I score high marks for most.

I did not run to parents to tell about my marks. because when the report card comes, they will know. i felt no need to boast like sister.

Being under the same roof as sister, i found myself sharing with her about my secrets although i dont really like her. I had no one to talk to. Sister tells me she helps me tell parent about my good points. i felt happy.

Father talks little to me. But Mother seems to like me better. She gets angry with sister often. School will call up to inform her of how naughty sister is at school. But being a good mother, she does not let father know.

Father had many rich visitors coming to the house. Some were important people. I stood out like a sore thumb. I was seen as ill-bred and rude. Sister will display herself like a peacock and charm every visitor.

I did not want to appear hostile. But i am often misunderstood. When i am afraid, i look angry. And when i am angry, i look funny. It will take a real expert to see an uncut diamond of its worth. Even before it is being crafted.

I thought my parents will accept me for the way i am. But one day, they told me that i will be sent back to the orphanage. They felt i was more suited for the lower income home. I am like a piece of broken furniture in a big mansion. They feel i am not like sister. Sister is their daughter of premium choice.

I was lost for words. i wanted to beg to stay. being an orphan has taught me to keep my dignity, begging would not help. i wanted to talk to sister. so she could help me feel better.

After talking to her, i felt her words were contradicting to her actions. She told me she does not like to boast to father. But i have seen her doing it all the time. I know strongly she was a contributing factor for my phlight. She gives that smile with hidden daggers.

i was knocked off my seat with no warning. I had trusted too easily again. I am a dove that will learn to be a wolf among the dessert.

I will remind myself not to trust people too easily again.