At 1am in the night, I thought about you. Whatever that may happen, I believe I should write to you about my life. And from these letters, you might come to know your mother.
My earliest memory of feeling poor came when I was 6 years old. Your Popo, Jiu Jiu and I were at a fried chicken restaurant at City Plaza Shopping Centre. It was your grandma’s way of giving us a treat to a good meal. We were delighted. While waiting for Popo to bring back fried chicken, I saw a Malay family at the next table. They had a plate full of chicken, with chloesaw and french fries sides.
Your Popo came back with three drumsticks, one for each of us. My delight turned into disappointment. I knew we could not afford more like the other table. While eating the drumstick I had, I swallowed the urge to cry and appreciate the little I had.
I hated that feeling. Feeling poor. Feeling that there was nothing I could do, to get out of this horrible state.
I had this kinda feeling again when I was 21 years old. I came to know this Indian boyfriend in church. He was a bad man who cheated me of my money, my body and my heart. He had claimed that he owed people money from some business loans. And if he did'nt pay up on time, he will end up in jail. I borrowed from my friends to help him. I had to work in a pub while studying in NYP, to raise money for school fees and return my debts. I was so broke, i only had 10cents in my wallet just for emergency calls. I could not afford to pay for my phone bills and had no handphone. I would go to school and hide in the computer lab during break, because i had no money to eat. I hated Mac'donalds but that year, they introduced McSpicy burger and sold it for only $3. I remembered savouring every bite, cleaning up the lettuce and mayonnaise with my fingers. I recalled choking tears while eating. I was so hungry and that was the most delicious thing i've ever eaten. Which is also why till this day, McSpicy is one of the 2 Macdonalds burger i will eat. (The other is Fillet O-fish) I was having attachment at KKH and fainted while the nurses pass report. Because i have not eaten well. The nurses had bought bbq chicken and bbq pork ribs and left it in the tea room. I sneaked into the tea room, picked one of the bbq pork ribs and hid in the toilet to eat. During this period about 2 years, i experienced these feelings of poorness. Later i found out that this boyfriend was a cheat. He chalked up phone usage up to $1000 under my name. The business loan became a holiday trip sponsored by my money. And he had a string of other girlfriends behind my back. Why? Why am i in this again i thought? I took 2 more years to pay off my debts with the phone companies of $2000. Had to get your Popo to sign up for a phone line under her name. As i was blacklisted by all phone companies due to bad debts.
It was at this time, i promised myself. I should never borrow what i cannot return as soon as possible. And never lend to anyone an amount you cannot afford to lose. And even when you are poor, you must have dignity. You cannot fall into temptation and cheapen yourself when you are poor. And use the slow but steady way. Surely and truly, the way out will come in time.
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